I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
