Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
My underwear smells like fireworks.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
