I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
