it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
