Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You need a sexual gate keeper
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
