Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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