Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
