he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
