It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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