Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
