Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
