i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
