just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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