I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
