and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize