OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
