I should be sponsored by Trojan
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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