I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
