There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
