Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize