Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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