I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
