yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
