is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
