I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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