YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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