I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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