Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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