Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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