You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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