Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
