Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
