who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize