Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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