My hand turned me down
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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