I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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