i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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