new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
