i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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