His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
