you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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