don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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