I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
