Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
We need to get me chipped asap
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
