I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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