How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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