Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize