you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
