Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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