1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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