so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
