love makes seman taste better
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize