This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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