Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
