If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
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