So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
