did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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