Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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