Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We left the knife in your bed.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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