I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
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